Christianity in 55 Words

Mat – Mature Atheist Turtle

Nat – New or neophyte Atheist Turtle

Ary – A large male lion

Scene, a church.

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Mat: Don’t let the fact that he’s a lion scare you.  Just go ahead and say it just like we practiced.

Nat: But Mat, we’re in a church.  Isn’t there some rule we’re breaking being here?

Mat (angry): Absolutely not!  In fact, he has to let us have our say in church, don’t you Mr. Lion? (Sarcastically)

Ary (with a smile): Unless I ask Him to bind your tongues.

Nat looked scared and so did Mat, at least a bit, but he said,

Mat: He can’t do that, now, stop wasting time and get started Nat.

Nat nodded, stood up, cleared his throat and began:

Nat: “Christianity in 105 Words*

The belief that a walking dead Jewish deity who was his own father although he always existed, commits suicide by cop, although he didn't really die, in order to give himself permission not to send you to an eternal place of torture that he created for you, but instead to make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood, and telepathically promise him you accept him as your master, so he can cleanse you of an evil force that is present in mankind because a rib-woman and a mud-man were convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.” -- Anon.

[*this mocking definition of Christianity is found on many atheist websites.]

Mat to Nat (sounding satisfied): Well done.

Mat to Ary (smugly): How about that?

Ary: Where did you get that?

Mat: From an Atheist Camel, why?

Ary: Figures, camels, disgusting animals.

Mat: What’s wrong with it?

Ary: It’s pathetic; poorly worded, full of contradictions and errors.

Mat: Like what?

Ary: Well, (Ary writes the definition on a whiteboard like this)

(a)The belief that a walking dead Jewish deity who was his own father although he always existed, commits suicide by cop, although he didn't really die, (b) in order to give himself permission not to send you (c)to an eternal place of torture that he created for you, but instead to make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood, (d) and telepathically promise him you accept him as your master, (e)so he can cleanse you of an evil force that is present in mankind because a rib-woman and a mud-man were convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. -- Anon.

Ary: (a)The red text contradicts itself.  It states that Jesus really didn’t die therefore it is inaccurate to refer to him as ‘a walking dead’ anything, and he might have attempted suicide but if he didn’t die he didn’t actually commit it.  

(b)The final judgment of mankind is by the Father, not Jesus, so that is wrong and needs to be struck out.

(c) Makes no sense at all as written - ‘if you don’t symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood’ you aren’t going to live forever so who cares where you are.  The way it is worded it seems like the safest course of action is to not engage in the symbolic acts so when you die you’re not only merely dead but you’re really, most sincerely dead.

(d) The telepathic communication comment is totally incorrect.  Christians state that God hears their prayers, not that He telepathically receives them.

(e) This portion is an attempt to mock Christian belief but individuals do not need to pay for Adam and Eve’s sins; each person is responsible for themselves.

I prefer the following definition of Christianity and it only takes 55 words:

"A personal relationship with Jesus the Christ – God incarnate as the Son – who provides all people with the chance to acquire His perfect righteousness in order to restore  communion, broken by sin, with God The Father so that we can receive a comforter, God The Holy Spirit, and have eternal life of joy in Heaven."

Mat opens his mouth but before he can say anything Ary lets out a deep, loud roar.

Mat (urgently): Nat, quick ‘Turtle up’ (and both he and Nat roll onto their backs with head and legs withdrawn.)